Think back with me to the time in your relationship where all information was new … where you were just beginning to get to know each other and there was a never-ending list of questions to ask one another. There was excitement and novelty at every turn. Now fast forward a few (or many) years, and it may feel like you and your partner already know pretty much everything about each other. At least, this is an assumption and a slump that many couples fall into, and I propose that it is false and dangerous.
John Gottman, one of the foremost relationship researchers, teaches that successful relationships are constantly updating what he calls their “love maps.” A Love Map is basically how well you know the little things in your partner’s life. While we may know all the college stories that get told at dinner parties, or the story behind your favorite but strange jello salad, we are always growing and changing. Our thoughts and feelings about different topics, from candy bars to politics, have probably changed often throughout the years. And if we’re not careful, we may find that we don’t know each other as well as we thought we did.
Continuing to build our relationship love maps might seem like something that can easily be done in day-to-day conversations, but like most things in a relationship, they can easily fall through the cracks without intentional effort. How important is it to know your partner’s favorite candy bar, anyway? Here’s the kicker though, when we turn it around, it makes all the difference. How meaningful is it when your partner pays attention and grabs you a candy bar on a tough day and happens to know that it’s currently different than it was for the first five years of your relationship? Not knowing those little things may not make a big difference, but KNOWING those little things sends the message: “I know you, and I see you.” This feeling, this sentiment, is one of the strongest glues in a relationship. Feeling unseen and not known is one of the biggest heartaches. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Timothy Keller:
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
Relationships are “all the things.” They are wonderful, and exciting, and grounding, and connecting. They also require effort. They help us face our wounds. They show us our imperfections. They challenge us to know ourselves and our needs/boundaries better. When we have a strong foundation of being known and seen by each other, it provides the ground we need in order for the work of relationships to grow and thrive.
So, do your relationship a favor, and set aside some time to get curious and connect, even with the small things. Take time to really talk each day about more than the happenings of the day (which is still important). Remember to talk also about your thoughts, feelings, and dreams. If you’re looking for a little extra support, we’ve put together a free guide featuring five simple conversations and prompts designed to spark deeper connections and help you strengthen your love maps. You can find it HERE.
When it comes to your important relationships, no effort is too small. You’ve got this!
