As I walked through the door after work, my two-year-old proudly announced, “I played with sister’s lipstick!”
“Uh-oh, was that a good choice or a bad choice?” I asked.
“It was a bad choice! It makes my heart sad.”
In that moment, I was reminded of the Savior’s counsel to be as little children (Mosiah 3:19). My two-year-old, with complete honesty, was owning her mistake and recognizing how it made her feel. This wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. Yet, there was something beautiful about her willingness to express the messiness of her experience. She wasn’t burdened by the mistake but freed by her honesty.
As children, many of us began this way—unafraid to admit our mistakes. But, as we grew, we learned to avoid getting in trouble, and a desire to hide our imperfections emerged. This instinct to conceal our messes is part of the natural man, which Jesus warns (right before inviting us to be like little children in Mosiah) “is an enemy to God.”
So, how do we reclaim accountability in our lives? And why should we, when it feels easier to blame, deflect, or rationalize? Though those behaviors may seem simpler in the moment, they often lead to disconnection and hurt. On the other hand, accountability brings trust and connection. Isn’t it ironic that, in trying to avoid disconnection through anti-accountability behaviors, we end up creating the very distance we fear?
Taking an honest look at ourselves is empowering. “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” When I’m triggered and willing to understand why, and take responsibility for my reaction, I regain control. I get to choose what happens next. But if I place the blame on someone else for my feelings, I give them the power over my emotional state. That’s not freedom; it’s bondage.
One of the most profound ways to take responsibility is by recognizing that our interpretation of events is uniquely ours. There are often multiple ways to see the same set of facts, though it’s common for couples to argue otherwise in my office. Our interpretations are rooted in our experiences and protect us in ways we may not even realize. True accountability means examining why we see things the way we do and determining whether those reasons are protective or truthful. It is important to note here, however, that taking accountability for ourselves does not mean we are taking on responsibility for other people’s thoughts or actions, but it does mean seeing that our world really does reflect back to us what we think, feel, and believe … our world supports our stories! A good measure of our stories is this: does my story allow me to view myself and others with love and compassion? If not, there’s work to be done.
Tonya and I volunteer with a non-profit organization where we support ourselves and others in gaining greater connection and love in our lives. We are dedicated to this organization because we resonate with their core values, one of which is accountability. Here, we experience the “gift of accountability.” It’s a powerful process that demonstrates how radical accountability is truly a gift to ourselves. After all, isn’t it a gift to see clearly why we didn’t keep our commitments or made a choice that was outside of our value system? When we can see ourselves more clearly, we shed the filters that distort our view of others. We begin to see others without judgment, with love and understanding.
Just like my two-year-old, even messy accountability can bring us more freedom. By embracing accountability, we open ourselves to deeper connection with others and a clearer sense of truth. It’s not about avoiding mistakes or striving for perfection but acknowledging our imperfections with honesty and grace. By doing so, we step away from the fear that drives disconnection and move toward love, trust, and growth. Accountability is a gift, one that allows us to see ourselves and others more compassionately, make better choices, and ultimately live more authentically. In the end, taking responsibility isn’t a burden; it’s the key to true freedom.
