“I loved kissing,” my friend said. It made me laugh. She was sitting across the couch from me, in her late 60s, and telling me about falling in love with her first husband. She was a very prim and proper woman, and I had not expected to hear this kind of revelation fall from her lips. I giggled at the thought of her as this young college girl who loved kissing and fell in love with a boy through her lips. She married that boy and had five children with him, but it was not a happy marriage. He had died young and left her a widow. While it was a devastating loss, it also set her free, and the thought of spending eternity with him was a horror to her. She had eventually remarried and deeply loved her second husband, but she was not sealed to him. I assured her that she may feel different one day when she was in heaven, but also that Heavenly Father would never make her stay with someone she did not choose. My words seemed to land as truth to her soul and comfort a part of her that had been in turmoil for many, many years over this.
My friend’s story of falling in love, only to realize there was little true intimacy or connection, is a heartbreaking yet all-too-common experience. It’s the familiar tale where the excitement of physical attraction brings us together, but without a deeper emotional foundation, that spark eventually fades, leaving us longing for something more lasting and meaningful.
We are naturally drawn to the chemistry of connection—there’s a “science” to love. Nevertheless, as we come together, if all we do is “kiss” and don’t spend time talking, sharing, and building true intimacy, we are setting ourselves up for a lot of struggle. The reality is that men and women are extremely different, and these differences are meant to complement, not compete with, each other when we use them to create understanding.
According to a study published in The Lancet, a leading medical journal, ultrasound observations on babies in utero revealed that girls made 13 more mouth movements per hour than boys! In another language study, researchers found that girls used a greater variety of unique words compared to boys, despite no significant gender differences in language input. So, it’s clear—girls know how to talk! However, talking is just one aspect of true communication.
If a woman is doing all the talking but isn’t being heard or taking the time to listen to her partner, the connection and intimacy in the relationship can suffer. True communication is not just about expressing thoughts and feelings; it’s about mutual listening, understanding, and validating each other’s perspectives. Without both partners actively engaging in this process, even the most vibrant conversations can leave them feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
“Intimacy grows in the soil of communication—where emotional vulnerability, physical closeness, and shared spiritual connection are nurtured through honest dialogue.” – Harville Hendrix
So, if communication is key to building a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship, how do we learn to communicate better? The communication patterns we adopt are often shaped by the behaviors and styles we observe in our early environments, particularly within our families. If healthy communication wasn’t modeled in our home, we may not have the tools or understanding to communicate effectively in our relationships.
This is where I found myself in my marriage. My husband and I struggled to communicate in a way that I felt heard or understood. I came from a volatile home where we were loud, quick to argue, but equally quick to make up. My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a home where communication was minimal and conflict was avoided altogether. We had opposite approaches to communication, and without understanding the roots of those differences, we found ourselves stuck. Seeking to enrich, not save, our marriage, we began seeing a marriage counselor to help us navigate our challenges. Unfortunately, many people wait until their relationship is at a breaking point, but we were determined to invest in our connection before things got to that stage.
It was through our counselor that we were introduced to the Imago Dialogue—a powerful tool that helped us communicate more deeply, understand each other better, and connect in a way that truly honored both of our needs.
The Imago Dialogue has truly transformed not only my marriage but also the way I engage in all of my relationships. We believe it can bring about a positive shift in yours, as well. If you’re curious to learn more, we invite you to download our free guide to the Imago Dialogue and start creating deeper connections with your partner today.
In January, we’re excited to host a free webinar where we’ll explore the Imago Dialogue in more depth and provide practical tools to help you apply these principles to strengthen and enrich your relationships. Keep an eye out for registration opening January 1-7th—this is an opportunity you’ll definitely want to be a part of!
And just to share a personal note, I love kissing, too, especially under the mistletoe! My hope for you is that your kisses this holiday season are filled with the kind of deep connection and intimacy that truly makes them special. May you experience the joy of a love that’s built on understanding, trust, and a connection that goes beyond the surface. Here’s to more fulfilling, meaningful moments with the one you love this Christmas season.
