Marriage isn’t always easy. It takes work, intentional effort, and a willingness to roll up your sleeves and jump into the mess of life together. And yet, when you do, the rewards are endless.
In our latest Whole Happy Free podcast episode, Tonya and I explore what it truly means to have a celestial marriage, one built on love, commitment, communication, and faith. If you’ve ever wondered how to take your relationship to the next level, or if you’re feeling stuck in the daily grind, this episode is for you!
Here’s a snapshot of what we discussed—plus some tools to help you keep your relationship thriving.
The Power of Commitment in Marriage
We often hear people talk about love in marriage. But here’s the truth—commitment is the real secret ingredient. Love is an action, not just a feeling. It’s about showing up for your partner, even when it’s messy, uncomfortable, or hard.
One of the things I’ve learned in my own relationship is the importance of reassuring my partner out loud that I’m committed. It’s easy to assume they know you’re in it for the long haul, but sometimes, they need to hear it. Those words matter.
Matt, my partner, has taught me this so well. In times of conflict, he’ll say, “I just need reassurance that you still love me and that you’re still in this with me.” And guess what? I love that he asks for it. I love that we can offer each other this real-time reassurance. It strengthens the foundation of our relationship and reminds us both that we’re not just committed in theory—we’re committed in action.
Love vs. Being in Love: A Subtle but Powerful Difference
There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. And guess what? It’s totally normal to have more of one than the other at different times in your relationship.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we know we’re called to love everyone. But that doesn’t mean we always feel in love with everyone, right? The same goes for our spouses. Sometimes we love our partner because we’re supposed to (they’re a child of God, after all), but that doesn’t mean we feel in love with them. And that’s okay.
The key to maintaining that “in-love” feeling is work and intentional effort. It’s learning how to show up for each other, even when things aren’t perfect. In fact, I always tell couples that the love we feel in our relationship is built in the ring—the messy, imperfect, beautiful place where we face challenges together. Being in love isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about engaging with each other through it.
Getting in the Ring: The Theodore Roosevelt Quote that Changed Our View of Conflict
This concept of being “in the ring” is something we love to talk about. Theodore Roosevelt said, “It is not the critic who counts […] the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.”
What does that mean in a marriage? It means showing up, even when things get messy. It means not sitting on the sidelines, pointing out your partner’s flaws. Instead, it’s about stepping into the arena with them, being present in their struggles, and holding space for each other’s imperfections.
When we engage in our partner’s emotional world, we’re in the ring. We’re actively participating in the highs and lows, and it’s this shared effort that keeps love alive.
Small Deposits Make a Big Difference
One of the ways we stay in the ring is by consistently making small deposits into our relationship. Tonya shared a beautiful example from her own life, where her partner, instead of criticizing or withdrawing, just showed up to help her. It wasn’t a grand gesture—it was a simple, thoughtful act of love.
Whether it’s a touch, a kind word, or a moment of attention, those small deposits add up over time. And when a withdrawal happens—maybe it’s a rough day or a misunderstanding—the emotional bank account can handle it.
If you’re unsure what your partner needs, ask! One of the best ways to make those deposits is by asking, “How can I show you that I love you today?” It’s a simple question that can open up communication and make your spouse feel seen and cared for.
The Sliding Door Moment: Choosing Your Partner
Gottman talks about what he calls “sliding door moments.” These are the seemingly small moments where you choose to engage with your partner instead of doing something else, like choosing to check in with them when they’re sad, instead of finishing that last chapter of your book.
It’s in those moments, when we put down our “book” (or whatever our personal desire might be) and choose to be with our partner, that we build trust and connection.
And we all know that those little moments are the ones that matter most. It’s those daily actions that tell our partner, “You matter more than anything else in my life.”
So, How Can You Create More of These Moments?
If you want to create more of these “sliding door” moments in your relationship, the key is intention. Show up for your partner, not just in the big moments but in the small, everyday ones. Communicate your commitment, love, and appreciation regularly. Ask questions like, “How can I love you today?” and mean it. And most importantly, be ready to be in the ring with them—the messy, beautiful, exhausting, and exhilarating space where love is built.
Join Us for Our Workshop & Get the Intentional Marriage Guide
If this all resonates with you, and you’re ready to try something new to build a strong, celestial marriage, we’ve got something exciting for you!
We’re hosting a Marriage Communication Workshop at the end of April, where we’ll be teaching you how to communicate with your spouse in a way that fosters connection, understanding, and lasting love. It’s an opportunity to learn practical tools to support you and your spouse in your relationship, even when life gets messy.
In addition, we’ve created the Intentional Marriage Guide, which offers three daily practices that will help you love each other better. It’s a perfect starting point for creating more intentional, loving habits in your relationship. And the best part? You can grab it right now at wholehappyfree.com.
Conclusion
Marriage isn’t about being perfect; it’s about showing up—committed, loving, and willing to get into the ring together. When you commit to each other every day, in big and small ways, your relationship will grow stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling.
We hope you’ll join us on this journey to create a celestial, thriving marriage. You’ve got this, and we’ve got you.
Want to learn more? Check out our latest podcast episode, where we dive even deeper into these principles and share more real-life examples of how commitment, love, and communication transform relationships. You can listen to it here!
And don’t forget to grab your Intentional Marriage Guide, the first step toward loving each other better every day.
Until next time, remember: Marriage is the best thing ever, and it can thrive, even through the mess.
