Conflict. It’s an inevitable part of life, manifesting both internally and in our interactions with others. For many, inner conflict tends to intensify during the summer months when our high expectations for magical memories collide with the reality of life. Picture this: I recently packed lunch for a park outing with my children, envisioning a day of basking in the sunshine and enjoying each other’s company. Instead, my oldest child complained of boredom, my middle child was upset that the oldest wouldn’t play with her, and my youngest managed to turn herself into a sticky mess with her juice box. Sound familiar?
If you are like me, the question is, how do we emerge from these unmet expectations with a regulated nervous system rather than a frazzled one? We have a couple of options. First, we can use our tools to self-regulate after experiencing moments of frustration and dissonance. Second, we can practice honing the skill of focusing on what we approve of, giving positive experiences more weight than the negative ones. Let’s explore both approaches.
Self-Regulation:
At Whole Happy Free we often say, life keeps life-ing. Learning to take these moments of unmet expectations in stride and recovering them is a gift to ourselves and those around us. When this dissonance brings a load of emotions, remember to breathe. Gather information from your emotions. Honor the story that was created. Then choose to create a narrative that allows you to be happy. It’s essential to acknowledge our feelings without letting them take over. In moments of stress, pausing to breathe deeply and reflect on what we’re experiencing can help us regain composure. Remember, it’s okay to have human moments of frustration. What’s important is how we choose to respond and the story we tell ourselves afterward. We have tons more to say about this approach, read more in our blog post here.
Practicing Approval Power:
This approach requires some intentional and advanced work: it’s about building a muscle (or strengthening a neural pathway) in our brain. The idea seems somewhat simple: In advance, practice looking for the good and leaning into it. As human beings, we have a tendency toward criticism or judgment. This critical nature can keep us safe by making us aware of potential dangers, and we need to make judgments every day as we navigate our lives. However, are we spending just as much time, if not more, recognizing the good around us? In a previous blog, we mentioned that it takes five positive comments to balance out one negative. Are we “gifting” our nervous system the positive things it needs to outweigh the negative?
Consider the impact on our thoughts, emotions, and nervous system when we focus on criticism. We might feel accomplished for solving a problem or seeing things others did not, but do we feel full of gratitude and love? Or do we feel a counterfeit sense of accomplishment also known as pride? Now, imagine walking through the grocery store with a mindset focused on approval: “I love her hair!” “That man looks so kind.” “I’m grateful for this cashier.” Instead of dwelling on high prices or subpar service, we could emerge with a sense of gratitude and love for the people and services around us.
When we improve our approval power, we become happier and gain more emotional bandwidth to love life and others. Often, this positive focus extends to how we view ourselves. If we start looking for ways to approve of ourselves, it can transform our self-talk and boost our self-esteem.
This summer, amidst the inevitable unmet expectations, why not try practicing approval power? How many things can you approve of today? I have personally found that there is far more to approve of in any situation than not. With my example of taking my kids to the park, I could have just focused on the moments of boredom, sadness, and messiness of my kids. However, I ALSO focused on the beauty of the day, the feel of the sunshine on my face, the sticky smile of my youngest, the sweet moments of comfort and reassurance I was able to give my kids, and the overall joy of being able to spend some quality time with my children. By shifting my focus to the positive, I was able to create more joy and fulfillment in my life. Join me and find out for yourself just how positive life can be.
Here’s to a summer filled with moments of gratitude, love, and approval. Let’s set our expectations up for success by embracing the beauty in the present and finding the good in every situation.
