One of the hardest things about difficult times is the potential feedback loop that our brains get into. It can be easy to get caught in what I call the “crap cycle”. We feel crappy and look for reasons why, log those “why’s” away as beliefs that our brain then looks to confirm for us, resulting in us feeling more crappy, and so it goes. How do we interrupt this cycle? Has anyone ever invited you to simply choose to be happy amidst a life storm? It can feel like an impossible task and a minimizing invitation. However, while simply choosing to be happy seems daunting, we can always choose to be grateful and the experience in our brain is similar. In fact, the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center of UCLA shares that being grateful changes the neural structures of the brain. When we are grateful, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, chemicals that influence our mood for the better. It seems then, as if gratitude is a chemical switch to bring on the happy feels!
Trying to express some gratitude amidst hard times can be a stretch, and sometimes it starts out really basic without a lot of emotion behind it. When my marriage is suffering, being grateful my teeth are healthy and I can emotionally eat my third donut of the day without pain or thought doesn’t really seem to even out. And yet, leaning into small moments like this might be the slight difference that changes our trajectory. Have you heard that if an airplane is off by even one degree in its course of flight, it significantly impacts the flight path and destination? Consider gratitude as a one degree invitation.
I love the quote by Melody Beattie, “Gratitude makes what we have, enough.” One of my favorite stories illustrates this. In his book “Journey to the Veil” John Pontius shares an experience where he was in a foreign country recovering from surgery. He awoke in his recovery room in a panic and unable to breathe. He couldn’t speak and indicated his struggle. The nurse looked over the medical instruments and declared he was receiving enough oxygen. John knew he was not, and he had a choice to make. He could lean into the panic that his body was not receiving enough oxygen, or he could focus on gratitude for the oxygen he did get. He chose the latter. He praised God for every small puff of oxygen that came, and praised Him in the moments in between. After five days of this it was discovered that he indeed was not receiving the oxygen he needed. In fact, it was a miracle he hadn’t experienced brain damage. They told him that his ability to relax (a result of gratitude) made what he did receive enough.
I personally find gratitude to be a huge reset for me emotionally. I remember a particularly rough parenting day. My kids were out of sorts and eventually I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to. I finally got them all to bed and went outside to chill in my hammock and re-center. My thoughts were spinning with guilt, anger, overwhelm, and resentment. All of my feelings were valid, they made sense. It had been a hard night and parenting is no picnic, let alone parenting solo. Yet, I knew that I didn’t have to stay in that place. I also didn’t like being there. Just choosing to feel differently wasn’t working, so I began my gratitude alphabet. I started with the letter “A”. What was I grateful for that started with “A”?
Well, apples I guess. Especially honeycrisp apples. They’re so crunchy and sweet. It’s totally my favorite to dip them in crunchy peanut butter. B… I’m grateful for board games. Seven Wonders in particular. The thrill of not really knowing who’s winning until the very end and if my strategy played out is so fun. C, cats. Even though I’m allergic, watching my 2 year old chase down the kitten “Oreo” and lug her around is adorable. etc.
I continued on my alphabet journey until I felt the relief of “in my face” emotions give way to some broader perspective. In those moments where gratitude brings me relief, I am reminded of a scripture: “And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.” (D&C 78:19)
That’s a pretty lofty promise! I wouldn’t mind being glorious, or having “all the things” (That’s akin to more than a hundred fold right?”) What is interesting about this scripture, is that the promise is based on being grateful for ALL things. Can I invite you to stretch your gratitude practice from the things that are pretty great (apples, board games, cats, etc.) to include even the things that aren’t?
The song “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns was a powerful, grounding song during a particularly challenging time of my life. I love the lyrics “And though my heart is worn, I will praise you in this storm.” Sometimes that meant I would list the hard things and follow it with gratitude and praise to God. “My life feels like it’s falling apart, praise be to God!” “I didn’t know my heart could hurt like this, praise be to God!” etc. Did I feel that praise? Not necessarily, but I know that the Lord loves effort and that a part of me believes that God can turn all things for my good. So I spoke the words and let my heart feel the fraction of truth that it could let in. That option seemed a whole lot better than being a continual puddle on the floor. With gratitude and praise, my puddle time was significantly reduced. While gratitude didn’t erase the storm, it certainly gave me a lifeboat to navigate through it. It has done this for me over and over again, and I believe it can do it for you too.
So, the next time you find yourself caught in the “crap cycle,” remember that gratitude is a choice. It doesn’t have to be grand; it just has to be present. Start with one small thing, like functioning teeth or board games, and let it lead you to another. Before you know it, you might find that your trajectory has shifted ever so slightly, and that shift, as small as it may be, could make all the difference.
As you move through your own storms, consider this invitation: Can you find gratitude, even here? Even now? You might be surprised at the way it changes everything.
