Summer usually means more family time, which can also mean navigating the infamous in-law dynamic. In my 10+ years counseling couples and individuals, conflict with in-laws is a common theme. While the stereotype of in-law struggles may provoke some eye-rolling, it makes sense why these tensions arise. However, there are tips, tricks, and principles that can help normalize and improve these situations.
Understanding the In-Law Dynamic
It’s important to recognize that allegiances and understandings have been established long before someone marries into the family, and these won’t change overnight. Nor should they. The in-law dynamic often stems from a power struggle, especially one rooted in the fear of losing someone they care about. For newly married couples, questions like “Will you understand me as well as my parents?” or “Will you choose to be a team with me or will it be me against your parents?” can arise. For parents, it might be “Will my child abandon their family of origin and all that we’ve tried to teach them?” These fears are strong motivators to hold tighter to what has been and resist change. However, when we recognize these fears are present we can lovingly hold space to navigate the challenges of change with greater grace.
Balancing Relationships
When a couple is starting out and trying to establish themselves, it’s challenging to balance building their own family while recognizing their role in the larger family they’ve joined. Like a tree with a root system and separate branches, we are all connected and thrive best when we recognize the foundation our family of origin provides as we branch out to begin our own family. With this kind of foundation, we can take on so much more in the world than if we stood on our own. In efforts to balance new marriage relationships with our family of origin, two scriptures come to mind:
- Malachi 4:6: “And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers…”
- Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
It seems to me that when these scriptures are separated they can be weaponized as validation as to why new couples separate from their families of origin or why parents hold so tightly to children. In my opinion, the truth and beauty of family relationships appear when we bring these two concepts together. We do need our family of origin AND we do need to cleave to our spouse. These two truths do not have to be at odds with one another. These scriptures highlight the importance of becoming one in how we interact with our families, rather than leaving them altogether. There is something beautiful about tackling together the challenge of balancing family traditions and creating new ones. When a couple can bring traditions from each family AND create their own, the harmony and connection is profound.
Ground Rules for Harmonious Relationships
- Understand your stewardship: When someone gets married, they hold a stewardship over building a bridge and helping their spouse understand and love the family they grew up with. You know your family well and can navigate their culture, quirks, strengths and weaknesses. Whereas your spouse is an outsider with limited information. Recognize that it will be difficult for your spouse to see your family as you do. Hold space for their emotions and difficulties, AND share the insights you have about your family along with an invitation to offer grace. Similarly, reassure your family of your love and admiration, acknowledging that changes are hard for everyone as you both experiment and learn. Remember that you and your spouse are a team, and the ways you interact with your spouse about your family or your family about your spouse have the potential to build a bridge to which they can choose to walk closer to each other, or to create a chasm between them. If there is a feeling of needing to choose between your spouse or your family, it is often a sign that there is more work to be done as the bridge builder. Having to choose between them is more often than not an immature response coming from fear. While boundaries may be necessary, remember that love conquers fear. Boundaries stemming from love and compassion are freeing, while those stemming from fear bring heartache.
- Stay in your lane: When there is conflict, the spouse’s role is to empower and support their partner in engaging with their parents productively and with boundaries. They should step in as protector/defender only when explicitly asked by their spouse. This principle applies beyond in-laws: in parenting, step-parenting, and teaching, having a good relationship is crucial for effective discipline. “You cannot teach a child whose heart you do not have.” Criticism, defense, and discipline can harm the relationship if there isn’t a solid foundation. Difficult conversations and boundaries should be set by the one with the strongest relationship. You can stand as an equal team member by encouraging and prepping your spouse, quietly supporting them, and when explicitly asked, verbally supporting them. Often, a spouse’s attempt to defend their partner can make the situation messier. Heated feelings can polarize everyone involved. Empower your spouse to speak for your team, support and love them as they navigate conflicts. Ask how and when they want your support, and manage your own triggers so you can more fully stand as a team.
- Validate, Reassure, and Invite: Fights around in-laws often occur because we forget to validate our spouse’s feelings. If we don’t recognize that their feelings are valid based on their information and experience, our defense of our families may make our spouse feel unheard and chosen second. The same is true for our families if they are struggling with our spouse. It’s important to acknowledge that change is hard and reassure everyone involved of their importance in your life. Then invite everyone to see with more grace and generosity. Once again, feelings of having to choose one over the other to prove loyalty perpetuates polarity and is not appropriate. It is possible to honor both relationships.
Practical Tips for In-Law Interactions
- Communicate Changes Lovingly: When making changes in family traditions, communicate with love and reassurance. For example, “I know I’ve always come to Easter at your house, and this year my spouse and I have decided to do Easter on our own. We value your traditions so much and love spending time with you. We will miss the experience we could have had with you, AND we are also choosing to experiment with what we want Easter to look like as we create our own family unit.” (note all the “and’s rather than “but’s”). Recognize that most of the time when you’re introducing changes you’ve had time to process and they have not. It may be disappointing, and they’re allowed to feel their feelings. A little empathy for this can go a long way. Examples include I imagine you feel…. and I am sorry it may hurt you.
- Positive Reinforcement: Remember that negative comments have a stronger impact than positive ones. For every negative thing you vent about your spouse to your parents or vice versa, you need five positive things to simply balance it out. If you want the important people in your life to feel positive about each other rather than momma bear-ish (yes that’s a phrase now), be intentional about speaking positively far more often than not.
- Have a Game Plan: Couples need to have a game plan, especially for extended time with in-laws. Take time in advance to troubleshoot and discuss how/when to support each other, take accountability for and manage your own triggers, and stay a team. Schedule time to check in with each other during your stay to process your experiences. Ask each other questions like:
- Did you feel supported by me today?
- Is there anything I can do to support you better tomorrow?
- Is there any reassurance I can offer you to help you feel we are on the same team?
- Additionally, having a code word or plan for extra support can be helpful.
- Balance Needs: Both partners have needs when it comes to family time. One partner’s needs should not trump the other’s. This is an especially easy pitfall to tumble into when one partner is stepping outside their comfort zone or being faced with many opportunity to work through their triggers. Be mindful of the difficulties but don’t let them rule. Supporting each other in fostering relationships with both families can require sacrifices of comfort and time, but it strengthens your partnership and your extended family relationships.
- Remain curious with yourself and each other: We come into any relationship with baggage and expectations. Most of us have past traumas and a boat load of examples in our lives that can easily be projected or transferred onto others. If we are struggling with a dynamic, take time to be curious and explore if this has to do with the actual dynamic, or the story about the dynamic we may be bringing based on past experiences and relationships. Hold space and validate if these projections, transferrences, or unhelpful expectations are not serving you, and then take accountability for letting go.
By applying these principles, you can navigate the in-law dynamic more smoothly and enjoy your family time to the fullest this summer. Remember, building a harmonious relationship with in-laws takes effort, understanding, and love. Who knows, the fruit of such work may just be relationships that are more supportive and loving than you could have imagined.
