We wanted to share something with you that we know will make a big difference in your relationship, especially if you’ve ever had those moments where a disagreement just doesn’t seem to end well. You know, when it feels like you’re just talking in circles, not really hearing each other? Well, in this week’s podcast episode of Love Your Life, Tonya and I dive into how to handle conflict in a way that actually brings you closer. Yes, you read that right—conflict can bring you closer!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How can fighting ever bring people together?” Right? Well, it’s all about how we approach it, and in this episode, we talk about some tools and insights that can really change the game when it comes to communication in your relationship.
Why We Fight and How to Make It Work for You
Let’s start by talking about something that comes up a lot in relationships: conflict. We all have it, but the key to making it productive (and not destructive) is understanding what’s really going on when it happens.
Tonya and I talk about two types of conversations that often get mixed up in conflict: the problem-solving conversation and the communication conversation. We get stuck in both conversations at the same time, which can make things feel super messy. But when we separate them out—first, addressing the problem, and then talking about how we’re communicating about the problem—it makes everything feel clearer and more manageable.
I know, it sounds simple, but trust me; it works!
Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain
One of the concepts we discuss in this episode is the difference between what we call clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is when we express our emotions in a vulnerable way, which helps us connect. Dirty pain, on the other hand, is when we let shame, blame, or frustration take over and cloud everything.
Here’s the thing: if you can separate those two and be honest about what you’re really feeling (without going into attack mode), that’s when the magic happens. It’s all about showing up vulnerably and creating space for each other to be heard. If you can do that, you can turn a tough conversation into one that deepens your connection.
One tool we talk about is the Imago Dialogue, which helps you slow down the conversation, mirror each other’s feelings, and reflect back with empathy. It’s like pressing pause and saying, “I really want to understand you” before jumping into fixing things.
Recognizing the Bids for Connection
Here’s something I’ve learned in my own relationship that has been a game-changer: the little ways we reach out for connection, especially during conflict, are called bids for connection. These might look like a joke to lighten the mood, a simple touch, or even a quick “Are we okay?”
For example, my former husband would make jokes during tough conversations and, at first, it drove me crazy. But then I realized he wasn’t being dismissive; he was trying to gauge if we were still okay, if we were still connected. So, instead of getting frustrated, I started seeing it as his way of checking in.
Learning to recognize these bids in your relationship can really shift the way you see each other during conflict. Sometimes, all it takes is acknowledging that you both need a little reassurance to stay connected.
Healing with the Savior’s Support
One thing that really stuck with me in this episode is how Tonya and I talk about the importance of turning to our faith when things get tough. We know that relationships can’t always give us everything we need, but our relationship with the Savior can help us heal those emotional wounds. We talk about how, even if our partner can’t show up the way we hope, we have a higher source of peace and healing to turn to.
And while it’s great when our partners can help us heal, we also talk about how it’s our responsibility to take care of our own emotional needs. Yes, we can invite our partners in, but it’s up to us to start the healing process.
Are You Ready for Change?
The best part of this conversation? We don’t just leave you hanging; we talk about ways to actively improve your relationship, even when things are messy.
If you’re ready to learn more about how to bring more connection into your relationship, we’re offering a workshop in February! We’ll be going over the exact tools we discuss in the podcast and giving you concrete ways to improve your relationship. Whether things are going great in your relationship or you’re facing some bigger struggles, this workshop is for you. We’ll help you take the next step in making your relationship stronger than ever before.
Listen to the Podcast to Learn More: We dive deeper into all of this in the latest podcast episode of Love Your Life. So, if you’re looking for more ways to handle conflict, create a deeper connection, and really show up for your partner, I invite you to listen to the full episode. You’ll walk away with some super actionable tools that you can start using right away.
Let us know what you think, and if you’re ready to join us for the workshop, we can’t wait to have you there!
