Last week on the blog, Tonya explored the Law of the Harvest and how it applies to our emotional lives. You know, the whole “You reap what you sow” principle. Today, I’m going to delve into how this applies when we are fighting with people we love.
I’ve been reading this heartwarming book with my kids called “The Boy of the Pyramids,” and we just read a chapter about a bullfight. This bullfight was to be a source of entertainment, and so steps were taken to prepare the bulls to actually fight, but not to dangerously hurt each other. They were intentionally starved for a day in advance of the fight, wooden balls were placed on their horns to keep them from goring each other, and once the bulls entered the ring, everyone shouted to agitate them. And guess what? They got a great fight! Then things got even more exciting when a wooden ball came off one of the bulls horns, and there was some real damage (spoiler alert: the wooden ball was tampered with. Someone wanted the fight to be REALLY memorable).
What does this have to do with you and me? Well, if your goal is to have a REALLY good fight, this bullfight gives us the perfect formula.
#1. Gear up for the fight in advance. This is most effective if you practice having the fight over and over in your mind before the fight even begins. I mean, you probably know this person really well, and this probably isn’t your first fight. So, go ahead and anticipate what they’re likely to say and prepare every argument you can think of. This makes sure you go into the real fight, especially worked-up emotionally, because your emotions have already had the fight! Now you just get to go reenact it!
#2. Make sure you are low on resources. If you want to really get into it, being hungry or tired is just the ticket. Late night fights are especially conducive to great fighting. It’s much easier to be reactive and say things we don’t really mean that will make things worse when we’re irritable because our basic needs are not being met.
#3. Now, because we want to fight really well but not necessarily do long-term damage, we do need to put a cap on our most damaging tools. While humans don’t have horns that we need to put wooden balls on, we often do have wounds from the past that can make us more reactive. No one likes to feel like the one who played dirty, so make sure you do some healing here. Here’s the trick, though: don’t fully heal or address those wounds … if you do some surface level work and it gets triggered (aka the ball comes off the horn), the fight can get pretty intense, but you can still take the high road. Be prepared with some comeback, such as, “You know this is a wound of mine; if you didn’t want it aggravated, why did you slap at it?” The fight gets REALLY good here, so you get extra excitement without all the blame.
#4. Finally, if you can bring other people into the fight to cheer for you, you’ve got the golden ticket in your hand. There is nothing that exacerbates a fight worse than bringing in a mother or a best friend to be on your side to cheer for you and boo for the other person. Bring as many people and as much data as you can to validate that what you’re fighting for is right and the other person is wrong. Make this about the bigger picture of shoulds and right/wrong rather than about the two of you and your individual relationship.
There you have it! The four most effective ways to have the fight of your life!
Okay, it’s time to get real. I hope, by now, you see the irony behind this whole post. Most of us don’t want to fight worse—we want to fight effectively. The reality is that conflict is a part of life! Resolving conflict is one of the greatest tools we can have in our relationships, and there is nothing quite so healing and connecting as navigating difficult waters and arriving safely on solid ground.
However, the way we prepare and enter into those moments of conflict can really set us up for success or difficulty. To tie into Tonya’s post from last week, we are preparing our soil to plant seeds of discord or seeds of connection. Also, as alluded in steps one and three, we also have to be aware of seeds that have been planted in the past and are being harvested now. Our past interactions have created patterns that are hard (though not impossible) to break. If we haven’t shown up well in the past to truly see and hear each other, our brains and bodies are more likely to anticipate and interpret current interactions in the same way as past interactions have been. It makes seeing today’s interaction an uphill battle. Additionally, if we do not take accountability for healing our past wounds, they WILL impact us negatively. We are each responsible for healing our past wounds AND doing our part to reconcile wounded relationships. I can’t tell you how often I hear couples tell me that they’re frustrated when one partner won’t just “let go” of the past. If the past is still showing up, this is information that we’re still harvesting some seeds and repair work has to be done, either in the relationship or within ourselves.
Finally, one aspect of fighting well is making sure the fight stays within the corral it’s meant to. A feeling of needing to bring more people or more research into an argument to validate our stance is an indication of one (or a combination of) three problems. The first problem is a lack of confidence to be able to clearly state “this is what I need” or “this is what would be helpful for me.” The second problem this indicates is a feeling like there isn’t trust given to us to know ourselves or that our thoughts/feelings are valid. In both cases, there is a feeling of needing external validation as to why it’s okay to need or ask for what we want. Frankly, the fact that someone we love is telling us what they need or what is helpful for them ought to be enough for us to slow down and get curious about THEM. Not about what is right or wrong, but about THIS PERSON WHOM WE LOVE. One of my famous mottos is “all behavior makes sense in context.” If someone you love is asking for something that doesn’t make sense to you, get curious about THEIR context. The final problem “the crowd” highlights is a trust problem. Brene Brown talks about the concept of “what is between us stays between us” being one of the seven pillars of trust. This isn’t meant to say that we don’t all need external support at times. Just make sure that support is there to empower you to show up effectively.
So, having laid a more functional foundation for truly great and effective fights, let’s revisit our steps.
#1. Recognize the assumptions you are carrying into the conflict, and take accountability for why they are there and how they might affect you. Get clear on how you feel, what you need, and how you can be more curious about the person you’re in conflict with.
#2. Set yourself up for success. Make sure you are centered, and ask if the person you are in conflict with is centered or if it would be better to reschedule the conversation.
#3. Take accountability for your past wounds. Focus on healing what you can, give yourself grace for the process, and recognize what would help you to be most successful when those wounds get triggered (this would be a great place to discuss boundaries! Alas, this is already too long!).
#4. Keep the conflict between those it involves. Speak up for what you personally need, and listen to the needs of the other person. They may not always match up, and the work of figuring out how to bridge that gap will bring you closer together.
There you have it, folks. Now you can choose how to prepare for and engage in really GREAT bullfights or for really GREAT conflict that leaves you both feeling a little more seen and connected. Remember, you reap what you sow—choose wisely.
