Let’s be real: conflict is messy. It’s one of those things bound to happen in every relationship. Whether it’s a small disagreement or a big blow-up, we all have those moments when things don’t go as planned.
But here’s the thing—conflict doesn’t have to be the end of the story. It can actually be the beginning of something much more beautiful—a deeper connection, stronger trust, and real growth. Instead of fearing or avoiding conflict, we can embrace it as an opportunity to grow. By understanding the dynamics at play (like the pursuer-withdrawer pattern), we can approach conflict with empathy, wisdom, and a genuine desire for connection. But sometimes, when conflict feels overwhelming, it can seem like there’s no way out.
I recently came across a news article where Miley Cyrus reflected on her divorce from Liam Hemsworth, saying there was simply “too much conflict.” In her song “Flowers,” she sings, “We were right until we weren’t.” This sentiment resonates with many couples who deeply love each other but eventually walk away because of overwhelming conflict and differences. But there is a better way.
The reality is, conflict looks different depending on how we handle it. For a time, my mother lived with us and had a front-row seat to the conflicts between my husband and me. For much of her life, conflict had been contentious and abusive, and she couldn’t imagine it being different. I remember one time after a particular argument with my husband—while driving in the car so she had a front row seat—we came to understand and hear each other and find a way forward. That was when my mother said, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Your father and I could never just talk things through. It always escalated, and rarely, if ever, was it resolved.”
The truth is most conflicts don’t get resolved! Believing that all conflicts need to be resolved or that there is something wrong with your relationship if you have conflicts are both myths! There are conflicts that do need a solution to move forward, like where to spend your vacation time together, and there are some conflicts that are perpetual and will never be resolved, because you are just two different people! If the underlying issue at hand is not resolved, then these perpetual conflicts can become a wedge between you. Most times in conflict, it is just about seeing and understanding each other’s perspective and building that intimacy—“in-to-me-see.”
This was something my husband and I didn’t understand, and I especially felt threatened if we didn’t come to see things the same way. We got along really well, most of the time, but when we didn’t, it was really rough! We had to learn a new way to approach each other and to both hold space for those differences. In my own experience, and with many others I’ve worked with, approaching conflict in a way that builds connection and intimacy does not come naturally. It takes education, practice, and intentional effort.
The #1 key to approaching conflict is curiosity! Curiosity about myself and what is going on within me, and curiosity about my partner and what is going on for him. The Imago Dialogue explored in our “Unlocking Connections Guide” found on our website is a great place to start building a structure for understanding and psychological intimacy, a subject we will explore in more depth next month.
This tool has made a world of difference for me, as I now seek to hear and understand my partner, and others, as well, from a place of more love and patience instead of feeling a need to defend. I often struggle to feel seen and understood myself, and I can ask my partner to slow down and use this tool to help me while helping him in holding space for me. We have learned that validating each other doesn’t mean we agree. I still wish he would see the world the same way I do! But if we were exactly the same, then one of us would be unneeded!
I remember once when President Hinckley talked about becoming “one,” and he compared it to a symphony. Many instruments play different parts; some the main melody, others the counterpoint with interplay and unity to create beautiful music. I love this analogy. My husband and I can become “one” not because we think, see, or move the same way, but because we’re learning to move together in beautiful harmony, appreciating our individual parts and how they fit together. When conflict pops up, it’s like tuning the instruments—helping us refine the music and move toward an even deeper connection and unity.
If this is something you are yearning for, we are here to help! Leave us a comment and share where you could use a little extra support—we’d love to hear from you! And know, even in the conflict or the struggle, as messy as it can sometimes be, you’ve got this!
