I just got home from a family reunion with my children and their families. It was so fun and an absolute joy! We have five children, and all of them are out of the house and on their own now, living great lives. Getting to gather with them is a treat! It’s been over a decade since our first child married and we began this journey of in-laws and grandchildren. Being a grandma is wonderful! Nevertheless, I also loved being a mom! I cherished every age and stage of being a mom! There were tough days for sure, and I can honestly say I loved having my children in our home. We had a lot of fun working, playing, growing, and learning as a family. Those family connections and time together were a priority for my husband and me as we raised our children, and we are seeking to build upon that value as our posterity grows.
When I was a young mom, we didn’t have the internet. I learned a lot about parenting by observing and talking to other women in my life. I am immensely grateful for the mentoring I received from countless women within my circle. I can recall so many moments with these women that shaped me as a mother. I also turned to many parenting books and gathered countless nuggets of wisdom from them. I love books and have many favorites, and the scriptures hold a special place in my heart above all others.
As a mom with young children and then teenagers, I found a lot of support along the way. There were easy conversations about mothering and maybe more time for those conversations in the day-to-day schedule of life, like at playdates or school functions. As I became a mom to adult children, I didn’t find the same level of support. My children were leaving the nest, and I was having to adapt and change with this shifting dynamic, feeling uncertain about the best ways to navigate it. I also found I was not having those same opportunities to visit with other moms in my stage of life like I had before. I noticed that while there are countless books on parenting children, resources on parenting adult children were much less obvious and rarely recommended.
When our oldest daughter, Natasha, got married, I told her and her husband to please be patient with us as we were new to this phase and learning as we went. And learn we have, though it has been a bumpy ride at times for all of us. Applying correct principles has been crucial throughout this journey. Here are a few lessons we’ve learned that have made a difference for my husband and me. There are many more insights I could share. Here’s a taste. Maybe these thoughts can also support you as the parent or adult child, now or in the future.
1. Ask Permission Before Giving Advice: This one is hard for me! When my kids are struggling I often want to make things better! Nevertheless, it is an important principle for each of us to learn for ourselves what works and what doesn’t work. More often than not, they need me to listen, validate their feelings, and show empathy. While I have walked the road of life and may have some wisdom to share, I honor their autonomy by asking before offering advice. This way, they can say, “No, that’s not what I need right now,” which helps me understand how to support them best in that moment. If they say, “yes”, they are more likely to receive what I offer and have a place to consider it. Asking before sharing advice builds connections and bridges, rather than defenses and walls.
2. Ask How You Can Best Support Them: Encouraging our family members to take 100% responsibility for themselves is crucial. By asking how you can best support them, you not only invite this responsibility but also open the door for effective communication. Understanding that everyone requires support in their own unique way can foster stronger relationships and deeper connections. You can know how to better show up for them in their changing circumstances as well.
3. Invite Compassion and Patience: Set the tone for these qualities in your interactions. As you model giving compassion and patience in your interactions with your child you can also ask for it. We are humans and often stumble along the way as we discover what works and what doesn’t work. You and your child are on the same team, both mortals having an earthly experience, and learning to be like Jesus. As we invite compassion and patience to be a part of our journey we can experience more grace all around along the way.
4. Trust Their Choices and Counsel Together: I’ve never been one to hover and have been comfortable letting my children make their choices in life. Nevertheless, sometimes I have had concerns and even resistance to the choices. Once, my son decided it was time to change colleges. This decision meant he would need to take additional classes, spend more time attending school, and incur higher expenses for both tuition and living costs. It was a choice that seemed impractical and illogical. As we discussed it he shared his spiritual impressions and invited me to pray about this choice as well. It was always his choice to make, and I would have supported him in it. Nevertheless, through that willingness to counsel and pray together we were all able to support this change with mutual trust and spiritual confidence.
5. Lead with Respect and Love: Although they are adults, you are still the parent. In times of conflict, lead with respect and love, inviting them into that space. This means navigating disagreements with a genuine curiosity to understand their perspective, communicating calmly and respectfully, and valuing the relationship above being right. Remembering that no matter how old your adult child is, in the family dynamics, you are the big one and they are the little one. You have responsibilities they do not have, namely, to be the one to lead and model principles of connection, love, forgiveness, and respect. They can choose to join you or not, yet it remains your duty to guide the way, just as you did when they were young.
Parenting adult children has its unique challenges and joys. It requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to adapt. While there will be growing pains along the way, remembering to seek support, maintain open communication, and trust in the relationships you’ve built can make the journey smoother. Let your light shine, be yourself, and invite others to share and connect, even if they don’t always choose to. What’s up to you is to facilitate the opportunities and continue nurturing the bonds that keep your family close.
